Ho Ho Holidays…
by Elizabeth Scarlett
The holidays are a time of great joy...we reflect on the
current year and past holidays spent with family and friends, and look forward
to the new year we are about to embark on. It can also be a time of great
stress, dealing with families, spending too much money, and not having enough
time to get everything done.
Now add polyamory to the mix. These problems just expanded exponentially. You've
got to decide which of your partners you're going to spend which days with and
how to keep everybody happy. If you're really lucky, you all are one big happy
family and can share the holidays together. However, most of us aren't that
lucky.
So, what to do? As with every other major or minor issue in a relationship,
communication is very important. Sit down with your loved ones and talk about
what is going to happen over the holidays. Let them know what you'd like and
then find out what they want, as well. Chances are, you will find a happy
compromise.
For example, this year, I spent the night before Thanksgiving out with my
boyfriend, and stayed over at his house. I came home early in the morning to be
with my husband and daughter and start the turkey dinner. My girlfriend (and
another woman I love dearly) came to spend Thanksgiving Day and night with us.
My boyfriend came to spend part of the day with us and then left to spend a
second Thanksgiving and the remainder of the weekend with his other girlfriend,
who has no other partner.
This worked out very well and I felt fulfilled getting to spend adequate time
with each of my loved ones, and they with theirs. We planned and talked about
this ahead of time, and knew exactly what to expect. This was made easier by the
lack of expectations from our extended families, though this will most likely
vary from year to year.
In addition to communication, in general, it is very important to distinguish
the difference between what it is that you want and need from your partner(s)
over the holidays, and to let them know. I don't need to see my boyfriend on
Christmas Eve or Day, but he knows that I'd love to see him for some time
together short before or after Christmas. My husband has made it clear that he
really wants to spend New Year's Eve with me, and so I've made that a priority.
Two days before that, I'll accompany my girlfriend to her company's holiday
party. I'm tentatively scheduled to spend the night before New Year's with my
boyfriend, though he knows we can move this date by a couple of days and I'll
still be happy.
Everybody's needs are being met, because they've been clearly communicated. It's
not easy; in fact, sometimes it is every bit as complicated as it sounds. Some
of us have been hurt due to miscommunications; however, they were great learning
experiences on how to avoid similar mistakes in the future. The longer we spend
together, the easier it gets and the more rewarding it is to spend time with the
ones we love.
The best gift you can give your partner(s) over the holiday season is this: be
understanding, forgiving, loving and open to compromise. And try not to get
fixated on spending the actual date with them if it's going to make things
difficult. Do you really want to put your partners in a position to have to
choose between the ones they love? Spending January 2nd, or any other day, with
my boyfriend is every bit as wonderful as if I had him all to myself on December
31st...because every day I spend with my loved ones is a celebration!