Love, Sweet Love
by Elizabeth Scarlett
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” - Anais Nin
Because of Valentine’s Day, I like to think of February as the month of love…the celebration of love found, the mourning of its loss, and everything in between.
When I reflected on the past year, just after the beginning of February, I confess that I felt somewhat depressed and a little hopeless. In the past two years, I’ve had five serious polyamorous relationships. In three of them, I was secondary. In the other two, I was primary. The first and longest of these relationships lasted six months and ended just about a year ago.
I was secondary to a lovely polyamorous man with a monogamous girlfriend. Between his very busy work, social calendar and primary partner, finding time for us to spend together was difficult. There were communication issues between them, and she and I didn’t talk at all…until after they decided to be monogamous and he had to break up with me.
I also dated a girl for the first time, and was essentially her primary, though she was secondary to me. Unfortunately, though I was completely satisfied with our casual relationship; she wanted more than I could give and was very unhappy. Because of my boyfriend’s busy schedule, I gave him priority over her in spending time, and she became very jealous of the love I had for him. I had to let her go and felt terrible, though realized it was definitely for the best.
Next came the fiery hot and intensely emotional third relationship. Again I was secondary, but they were openly poly and she actually lived in another state altogether; therefore I felt much safer, I suppose. However, when she discovered that we’d fallen deeply in love with each other, she became severely depressed and jealous…sure that she had lost him. He finally had to break up with me, to focus on her and be monogamous until she was okay. He didn’t have a choice. They’d been together for seven years.
A few weeks before my relationship with number three ended, I met number four. He had just ended a long and very troublesome relationship a few months before and had no intention of getting involved seriously again any time soon. I still wasn’t interested in a full time relationship, and I was thrilled that he wasn’t dating anyone else seriously. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and shortly thereafter stopped dating all but me and one other very lovely girl. We divided up his time fairly evenly for months and were all pretty happy. I consistently had the most incredible sex of my life with him on a regular basis. Oh. My. <insert deity of choice here>. Mmmm…
Then they took a trip together to Burning Man, a big annual party in the Nevada desert. When they returned, it was quite obvious to me that they were seriously in love. It wasn’t too long before they chose to try monogamy and he had to break up with me. It took a couple of months to get there (mostly because he hated to do it to me, and she felt incredibly guilty about them getting serious on me), but I knew it was coming and could do nothing to stop it.
It was the most painful emotional experience I ever had. It sounds silly that a boyfriend of just five months could have that kind of influence on me; but he really did…opened my eyes, my mind and my heart; helped me express that side of me I’d repressed since I was a child turned adult far too soon. He is the epitome of love, and I wanted nothing more than to have his presence in my life always; in whatever form that took. He promised we’d be close, intimate friends forever; however, I looked back to my recent relationships where that same promise had been made, and had little hope I’d see him much. I’d surely lose him, too.
Moving on to number five, my most recent boyfriend…I’d met him while at the regional Burning Man event soon after I started dating number four. At the time, four and I were infatuated with each other and enjoying a week of drunken debauchery with close friends. However, I knew that this man was special and let him put his contact information in my Blackberry. After all, he lived in Bremerton, WA, like me, so it would certainly be convenient to hang out sometime.
It was awhile after I broke up with number four and was looking through my Blackberry for someone’s number and came across his name. I decided to give him a call…he was excited to hear from me and took me to dinner that very night. We hit it off, in a very comfortable, deeply loving and very sweet relationship. We just fit very well together. I made it clear to him from the start that I couldn’t get involved casually and that I needed to be primary. He understood but needed a couple of weeks before he asked me to be his girlfriend, having then decided he could be in a serious relationship again.
It went exceptionally well for a couple of months, I became very good friends with most of his friends, and we were very happy together. Then suddenly, he broke up with me. I was cut off emotionally with little explanation. It hurt more than anything because I didn’t have a clue why. And this time, there wasn’t even another girl involved. I finally found out that he had put too much pressure on himself to be what he thought was a good boyfriend, and realized that he still wasn’t ready for a serious relationship…and that it hurt too much for him to share this with me because he was still very much in love with me. I let him go and cried.
I cried for all those I had lost this past year…those I still kept in touch with, loved so much and would love forever, and yet…would they ever really be a part of my life again? Would it always be like this?
Then my first ex and his girlfriend invited me over for dinner. We had a few glasses of wine while he cooked a gourmet meal…and for the first time, I felt that she and I were truly comfortable together. We made plans to rock climb and kayak in the spring. She asked me to come over to dinner more often. Afterwards, we all went to sit on the couch and she asked me about my most recent breakup…I was emotionally raw, still, from dealing with it all, along with everything else in my life, and she could tell. My ex got up and came to sit on the couch behind me, and wrapped his arms around me in a big, comforting embrace. She lay down in front of me, her head resting on my breasts. He turned off the lights, put a blanket over us all and we looked at the lights over the water. As he held me close and she held onto my hand, snuggling into me, I realized tears were streaming down my face. I was a part of his life again! I hadn’t lost him! I couldn’t believe how lovely it felt to be back in his arms…and I loved her so dearly for letting me comfortably into their lives.
It gave me hope. My spirits began to lighten. The next night was the first date night my most recent ex, number five, and I had planned to establish our friendship. It was hard for both of us, but we didn’t want to lose each other, so decided to work on spending time together as friends. The hard part, though, is that we had been best friends all along, and being intimate, showing affection publicly just came naturally to us both when we were together. When he came over, we hugged greedily, and immediately snuggled comfortably onto the couch to watch a movie. It felt so good, after weeks of not being able to give him more than a stiff hug and kiss on the cheek (at his request), to be wrapped up in his arms and legs like a pretzel…like we always do…my face towards the movie…and his face, I noticed suddenly, looking at me…
Our relationship is born again, into something new. I’d call it best friends with serious relationship benefits. We’re doing what feels natural when we’re together and not making any commitments or having expectations. In this way, he can be with me and I with him, and when we both feel like it, enjoy the various aspects of what we love about each other. Needless to say, as we enjoyed the serious relationship aspect this past weekend and I caught up on much needed love, affection and SEX, I was pretty damned happy. It was also so nice to go out and party with friends, and have him there with me to share the evening and experiences we had. And I do love him. Since then, we’ve texted a few times and I’ve no expectations from him. I think it will be nice that he calls when he really wants to see me and not because he puts pressure on himself to be a good boyfriend anymore.
The party we went to, by the way, was for the girlfriend of ex number four. She and I have spent so much time on instant messaging online in the last few months…and she gave me so much support when number four and I broke up, and let herself go through the terrible feelings of guilt while supporting me, even though it would have been so much easier to stop talking to me so she could move on and start enjoying her monogamous relationship with him. Instead, she has spent that past few months working on her jealousy issues altogether and trying to achieve little milestones of things that I can do with him that she’ll be okay with. Saturday night I got to hug him, a lot, and I didn’t even cry, I was just so happy to be in his arms. Kissing has also been approved for future visits! She and I have already kissed many times, and of course, number four hasn’t had any jealousy issues about that.
My ex-girlfriend, number two? She was at this party, too, hanging at the bar in a flirty little dress, gorgeous as always. And before she could run away and avoid me again, I snuck in from behind and said “Hi sweetie, I’ve missed you.” She didn’t know what to say. From previous encounters, I knew she’d resolved to ignore me…and I’d caught her unexpectedly. She looked away, shyly and said “Hi.” We talked for a bit and she said we’d need to have a long talk before could start dating again. I didn’t ask for that, so clearly, miscommunications are there already. I simply want to be on better terms and I’m willing to go through some uncomfortable conversations to get there.
Number three? He wants to get coffee with me in Seattle soon. His primary relationship finally ended on good terms, and now he is fully poly with two girlfriends and two jobs keeping him insanely busy.
It’s amazing what a difference a week makes. I’m now questioning whether this last year was really a failure at all. When I look at all I’ve gained, it feels much more like success, instead. I’ve made several lifelong close friends that love me at least much, if not more, as I love them. Two girlfriends, from ex number one and ex number four, that I truly adore, and both of whom I’m looking forward to getting to know quite intimately.
Maybe finding one lifelong serious relationship on the side of my platonic husband isn’t what I really need. Maybe it’s better to keep finding wonderful men to spend time with, however long that may be, and then adding yet another loving best friend into my life and chosen family.
Or maybe, just maybe, the “one” is right around the corner.
At least now I know I can truly find happiness in whatever way love finds me.