Poly Didn’t Kill the Cat
by Elizabeth Scarlett
Dear Elizabeth,
I've been part of an open marriage for a long time. My marriage recently ended and I feel embarrassed because it ended. I mostly feel embarrassed because I don't want people to think I don't believe in the poly idea or the open marriage. The real problem is around people who know I’m poly but aren't. How can I explain to them that it wasn't the poly that killed the cat?
– Bent but Not Broken in Bothell
Dear Not Broken,
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of divorced couples quadrupled between 1970 and 1996. Chances are good that many of your non-poly friends are either divorced or will be soon. Chances are also good that if they are your friends, they’re going to be sympathetic and supportive regardless of your relationship style; that would define a true friend in my book.
If they’re not friends, exactly, then let me ask you some questions in return. Do you really care why they think your relationship ended? Are these people who have given you reason to defend Polyamory already? And, if so, do you think anything you say is going to convince them otherwise?
I’m guessing that you are suffering from a barrage of emotions at the moment, following the demise of your marriage and primary relationship. Embarrassment is perfectly normal; along with sadness, anger, loneliness, regret and a whole host of related feelings.
However, please remember this: relationships end all the time, every day, every hour, and every minute. And they end for every reason you could ever think of. Whether or not your relationship style was the reason is unimportant (and it shouldn’t be to anyone else, either!). What you decide to do now with your new found freedom is. Much love and luck in your journey!