Talking Poly with Your Traditional Wife
by Elizabeth Scarlett
Dear Elizabeth,
I'm happily married, but I met someone recently that I'm falling for and with
whom I want to have a relationship, basically as my girlfriend. My wife,
however, has a more traditional view of what marriage means. I just don't know
what to do next to try to finesse this into a place where I can talk about it
with her without having her flip out and thinking I don't love her, or any of a
myriad reactions I can't begin to predict. Any advice?
-Confused and Worried Newbie
Dear Newbie,
I don't envy your current situation; it's a very scary thing to bring up a
delicate and emotional issue with a partner, whatever closet you might be coming
out of. I'm going to have to assume that you've got good reason to believe that
your wife really does believe in the traditional, monogamous marriage (i.e.
comments made, previous discussions, etc.) and that you are not just assuming
this based on your fears. If that's the case, you'll need to take a good hard
look at yourself, what you really want, and whether you are willing to risk
losing your wife and marriage over adding another partner into your life.
If so, the first thing you should do is put a hold on any new relationships.
Explain to your potential love interest that it's important for you to work
things out with your primary first; to either open up your relationship, decide
to keep it closed, or even end it, if necessary, in the interest of both
partners. You don't want to open a dialogue with your wife and have to admit
that you already have a girlfriend. And worse, you don't want to leave your new
love heartbroken if you should discover that you're not willing to lose your
wife and she wants you all to yourself. Get things straight at home, and start
fresh when you know what's what.
Next, approach your wife in a place where she is comfortable and open up a
discussion about polyamory. Ask her how she feels about it, if she's ever
fantasized about having a relationship with another man. If she responds with
fear and asks if you've fantasized about other women, admit that you have, of
course, as have a lot of healthy, normal people. However, emphasize that you
would never, ever act on a fantasy without her full support and knowledge. If
the discussion is getting uncomfortable and awkward, move to a safer topic and
let it rest for awhile. Chances are, she's going to bring it up again
soon...either out of interest or fear, and you'll have another opportunity to
reassure her and answer questions.
Be prepared to go very slowly, taking baby steps and let her guide the way. With
plenty of love and encouragement from you, it's entirely possible to open up her
mind and help her to learn to deal with jealousy and possessiveness issues. But
patience is a must. I know one man that let his wife date other men for a couple
of years before she was finally comfortable enough to support him dating another
woman; and even then, only on double dates and with same room sex. However, he
didn't want to risk the loss of his wife and mother of his children, and was
grateful that she was even willing to compromise as much as she did. They are
continuing to open up their relationship more and more, and I have no doubt that
he will eventually be dating women on his own with the full support of his wife.
She told me that though she originally never thought she could live her life
this way, it was the patience and love of her husband that made her willing to
try. Now she's thrilled with all the attention she gets from the other men in
her life!
Finding a poly-friendly therapist is also an excellent way to work together in
opening up your relationship, once you've had the initial discussion. If you are
really afraid of bringing it up and worried that you'll somehow say the wrong
words, I would recommend spending some time with a poly-friendly therapist on
your own to begin with. They can advise and support you, and can help you decide
if you should have the initial discussion with the therapist present.
The road to developing a successful polyamorous relationship can often be very
rocky and is rarely easy; but the prize is living your life how you want to, and
that can be worth every ounce of headaches, discussions, and tears you've put
into it. And who knows, your wife might take one look at you and say "Oh, thank
God! I've been wanting to tell you about this guy who realllly turns me on...but
was so afraid of what you'd think!"
Good luck!